process of unfolding

You really can’t smell emotions. But I swear to you, nostalgia has a stench when it comes to love.

Stench? A scent, perhaps. What I would give to reverse time and experience young love again. That feeling, where nothing matters more. Where everything is foreign but the others warmth. The promises seem like they’ll never be broken.

I need to be straightforward and just cut to the chase. I miss it. I miss it all. I miss thinking this is what everyone talks about, I miss making these ludicrous promises because it’s a feeling I’ve never felt before. I miss wanting to give love and receive love. I miss being explored both mentally and physically. Can I say nostalgia now has a stench?

It’s an experience we all go through. To think that I’m the only one to feel this, would be absolutely selfish. We all have our first loves. We all have our first set of crazies, yells, highs, and screams. It’s what makes us grow when we come out of it.

Now, that I have wiped the residue of first love of myself. I have a second chance. I won’t deny the mistakes I’ve made, and the people I’ve hurt. I take it all in, let it all marinade and can say I have wronged. I have been selfish. I didn’t understand that to receive we must give. Give what we would like to see them grow with. Hold their hand to see them grow, because love is that. It is an unselfish process.

Love is not an end destination. It is not a ring on your finger letting you know you won. It is not a sigh of relief after the first ‘I love you.’ It is not just a one time show. It is in fact a process, a moment by moment lifestyle. It dies and cowers away when enveloped in neediness, but thrives when showered with abundance. In fact, there is no end destination, but to just be true to ourselves us align our heart with our mind, and love is the process that helps us get there.

Too many times after my first heartbreak I caught myself holding back, or not wishing to let an emotion peek through and see light. Almost as if I only meant to front that I am able to give love, but not actually give love. But why? Why was I afraid to show emotion? I had it all wrong then. Love is not an item we wish to achieve but rather a process that we go through to better ourselves. We release our emotions and aid each other to betterment in love. And in return we give that love back into the universe, because we know what it did for us.

Prayer Beads…

I go to sleep every night…

Knowing the lenient visitation rights granted to my dreams, I clench tightly to my prayer beads.

Remembering three years ago he promised me it’d be ok.

I can feel my fingerprints printing on the beads. Tighter my fingers clench. Looser my mind unwinds.

From my mattress I sink into a cloud and sink into his bead. It’s ok he says. This time its him. And his hands ease my tight clench. And I let go.

My fingers loosen up, and my rotations slow down. My prayers loose their rhythm… and his voice enters instead.

It’s ok. Just be happy. You’re with me. Just be happy. Stop thinking. Just be happy. Why can’t you be happy?

I try. Why? Please, I’m trying. Why can’t you be happy. Please, you don’t understand.

Tighter. My fingers clench tighter onto the beads. The grooves of my fingers trying to align with the fingerprints they left.

Why did I let go. Why did I loose my rhythm?

Be happy. Stop. This time I don’t sink but am dropped into my own mattress.

Eyes shoot open. Grasping for rhythm. Grasping for my prayer beads.

 

If I Could Go….

It’s been a month since I’ve moved to LA. Jobless. Still. Hopeless. Not Yet…

Being here has been bittersweet. Knowing that the only thing holding me up is… well… myself. But isn’t that how we’re supposed to live our life as women. Learning to be independent. Becoming our own best friends. And then running for President… Yeah!? No.

Not many people know that me being in LA has many ulterior motives. While living in the Bay, I was given a lot of job offers and abilities to make good money. But being the curly haired 22 year old I am, I decided to make my life difficult and search for “personal growth.”

So I literally packed my garbage bag full of clothes, and hit the 5 highway to LA. As glorious, cool, and hippy as it sounds, it kind of the opposite. Especially, since I know I could just drive back to the Bay for a comfortable job that will allow me to buy all the LUSH products and True Religion perfumes I want. BUT that’s it isn’t…  that is just too comfortable.

We’ve all heard the saying that goes something like, “When you’re out of your comfort zone is when you grow the most.”

The past year or so has been the biggest wake up call for me. Deaths, burned bridges, leaving college.  I ended my relationship with my lovely boo thang aka my best friend. Thinking about it still feels the way it did months ago. I learned that I didn’t have things figured out as much as I thought I did. I also JUST recently learned about humility and learning to say the words, “I was wrong.” But I try to view that has a blessing in itself. A blessing that I’m no longer trying to make peace with the world, but rather with myself.

Being in LA, is definitely a step away from home. But it has also put so much in perspective for me as well and brings me closer and closer to realizing what really does matter to me, and exactly how hard I’m willing to work for it.

I’m going to end this ramble before it gets worse.

Three Hours Away…

… Till I reach LA. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t the first time I’ve been to LA or even been on a roadtrip. However, this is the first time I’ve made a move on my own … ALONE… to start a new journey of my life. 

After months of a series of confused and new emotions, I decided a new move and a new chapter was much needed. So I picked the City of Angels. I’m very excited to get exposed the art and culture that LA will have to offer. Also very nervous about if I have enough to offer to LA…

 

Let’s see what’s in store…

Five More Days….

Five more days till I grab my trash bag full of belongings and hit the highway for what might be the longest and most emotional drive I go on alone. Ok… perhaps I am coming off as melodramatic. But, this coming Tuesday I officially leave the BAY for LA. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel and if I’m nervous. Honestly, it is such a mixture of bittersweet emotions. It isn’t really a dramatic move… it’s just me moving down the state. However, it is a very big emotional move. For the first time in a long time, I am letting go of a lot of rules, commitments, relationships, and choosing to do what feels right to ME.

Being the oldest child in my family and growing up in such a capitalistic society, I never realized that I had let others define “success” and “happiness” for me. Things such as when a certain amount of education or a certain amount of income was achieved, would then define me as “successful.” Don’t get me wrong. I am all in favor for being financially stable and higher education. However, I feel like we’ve put such a huge price tag on our dreams.

Think about it. We hear it everyday, and since Steve Jobs passed away, we’re flooded in the quotes about making your working something you love. Or choosing to do what we love everyday as opposed to having a job for the sake of a job. However, whenever an artist or someone sets out to pursue their dreams… it’s interesting to see that the fist thing we ask our selves is “How can I make money from this?” Of course, it’s a question we can’t avoid since we live in America, home of capitalism.

But isn’t it interesting to see that even when we TRY to live our dreams…. we still have to try push it into that cookie cutter?

 

Excuse the gibberish and grammar. It’s my pre-moving jitters… and the result of the naps i took in High School English. 

My View…

I don’t know how many times I’ve tried doing one of those “Photo A Day” blogs… Absolute FAIL!

However, I won’t deny that they inspire me. One of the themes for the days was “Your view.” I work at the mall, so you can imagine my limitations. But oddly, the more time I spend there I start to notice the different world within the mall.

Capitalism at it’s finest. Where the survival of one, depends on another’s ability to feel vulnerable and give in. Oh, don’t think I’m innocent of this whole mess…. After taking a break from the “Oh, you look sooo good in that!” or “Can’t decide? Just get both of em!” I made my way to the little MAC show they were having in the middle of the mall. Colors, drag queens, demos, and the need to buy things I had never heard of EVERYWHERE!

It’s amazing how the mind works. To the point where we sell our very own Art?

Tagged , , , ,

Giving Up….. Too Fast??

“These youngins are giving up too fast these days.”

Recently, I read an article about living with no regrets. In the article there was an interview with an elderly woman who claimed that this generation gives up on love too fast. At first my reaction was, “OH MY GOD!!! So true!” But then I looked back at the topic and reflected…

Is giving up too fast breaking up with someone who made us unhappy? Switching jobs because we realized we want to do more? Or walking out on something that just isn’t working?

I feel like compared to 20 years ago where divorce rate was much lower and the types of jobs available could be counted on our hands, things have definitely changed in 2012. But for the worse? Not necessarily.

Today we live in a society where we really can be anything we want from an Anthropologist to a CEO of a company. We have also developed the ability to be more reflective, in order to understand what our heart desires more.

Back in the day we went from having been at most 2-3 relationships to now having gone through about 10 relationships before deciding on settling down. And if divorce has increased… is it really a bad thing? Somethings cannot be fixed. Why not salvage those emotions and feelings before we reach a point of no return.

Instead of hating on the fact that things and relationships do not last as long. We should appreciate that we understand ourselves and our emotions enough to know when to stick it through and when to give up. We should also applaud ourselves that we choose individuality over being another cookie cutter human being.

I am not by any means putting down the elderly woman’s comment, but in fact putting a new light on the other side of the situation. Because I don’t want anyone, including myself, feeling like they didn’t try their best. When in fact we perform our best everyday.

Tagged , , , ,

Dreams behind bars…

So many thoughts. A list full of unfinished dreams. A handful of needs and wants. But absolutely no desire to just sit still and appreciate…

… Certain habits die hard. I always had this urgency to get things moving.

To get a breath of fresh air I went to go visit a good friend in Oakland. I love being in Oakland, it’s literally a fresh air of culture.

I call this picture “Always the Wrong Man Behind Bars.”

Keys to Our Heart

Anyone that knows me, comes to learn very quickly that I have the ability to eat my own weight in chocolate.

I know that I have been slacking on my New Years resolution. For those of you who don’t know, I promised to upload a new picture everyday on this blog. But we’re all human and we get back up. If only I had done the same in college. Where I missed a day of class and came back the next day. Nope.

It’s interesting because missing a few days and this new yet odd resolution I have kept, made me realize a lot about those that say and those that do. We all have the desire to start running everyday or to start doing something new the next day. Why? Because we KNOW it’s good for us. But very few of us can admit that we follow through. I am a guilty of this too. I feel because of this we go years searching for that motivation. But is it really motivation thats lacking or is it something else? Motivation is a mindset. We all have a mindset. It’s more of the actual follow through thats missing.

In the past few months I don’t know how many times I’ve told myself I would do something new the next day because it was good for me. Yoga. Running. Drawing. Writing. Quit Smoking. Become a better daughter. A better person. 

I realize that it wasn’t a lack of motivation. Of course I had many emotional situations motivating me. It was more of a just bad habits that had to abruptly stop. Bad habits such as my failure to follow through. Makes me wonder if we should all just throw our New Years resolutions out the door, and keep only one:

Follow Through.

Enjoy.

“Keys to Our Heart”…. Quite literally.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Resentment, Hate, Animosity… Just to name a few.

We all have resentments. Mistakes. A bunch of shit we wanna say.

It’s so much easier for us to hate than it is to enjoy or value the stuff in front of us. But I won’t deny I’m a culprit of it all…

“Watch That Animosity Spread”

Tagged , , , , , , ,